Grief and Loss–

“ The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.”- Anonymous

---

 

What is grief?

Grief is known to be the response of extreme sadness over a traumatic event. It mostly consists of the loss of a loved one or losing something really valuable. You may feel disconnected, lost in some other reality or just feeling excessively sad. Grief can take its toll on our mental, physical and emotional health. Grief has many dimensions such as emotional, philosophical, social, cognitive, cultural, mental and physical.

 

The different types of loses:

As I said before, grief has many dimensions. And thus there are just various types of loses. Such as:

Loss of a loved one:

Losing somebody you love is always hard, no matter what. You feel the urge to go as well. There is just this part of you which was there yesterday and now there isn’t. It can make you feel incomplete and without any motivation to continue. Loved ones include your friends, your co-workers, your partners, your significant others and family.

Loss of a pet:

People may not consider this loss as big as the other but it has the biggest impact on us all. A pet is an animal you get attached to, make an unbreakable bond with, share things with and communicate with without even speaking. They understand you better than you do yourself. And when somebody hurts you, they are always there. They are the ones who are always there, and when they are not, it can be really hard. You keep looking for them everywhere, in everything you do and get overcome with grief when the reality dwells in.

Relationship breakups:

Whether we like to admit it or not, relationships play a major role in our lives. And when we get out of one, if we truly loved that person it always hurts. Losing that safety that you once felt, giving up on all the dreams you had dreamt, it just becomes overwhelming. And it may cause you to feel depressed or sad.

Change of environment:

Moving to a new place, or finishing school and leaving, basically letting go of someplace where you spent a whole lot of time creating memories. It is a different kind of hurt. Many people feel homesick when they leave their homes to pursue other things. These feelings make you feel pensive and make you daydream.

 

---

 

Predictable loss and Sudden loss:

There is a huge difference between sudden loss and predictable loss. We shall see them in detail.

Sudden loss:

Sudden loss has a greater effect than predicted loss. It happens when you least expect it and leaves you with too many emotions at once. You don’t get enough time to wrap your head around what is happening and why is it happening. It all just happens too fast, not giving you enough time to process it.

Predictable loss:

The predictable loss is something you anticipate, something you know that it is bound to happen and you can’t do a lot to stop it. All you can do is accept things for what they are and try to make amends. It gives you time to process every emotion you feel. It allows you to understand it and take it in and then make decisions based on them. This is usually seen when we found out a loved one is going through some serious illness and that they have very few chances of survival. You come on terms with what is going to happen and you make peace with that person so that when they are gone, you have no feelings of regret. You miss them, yes, but you know you have said everything that you wanted to say to them.

 

---

 

How long does grief last?

There is not a specific time period given to how long can you feel grief. Sometimes it takes months and sometimes it takes years. Very often we see that some people never let go of the grief.  The time you take to grieve depends on you. It cannot be standardized. It is essential that you understand your reaction to the loss you feel and try dealing with it effectively. With the given space and time, you will eventually start getting over it and start proceeding with your life.

 

---

 

The grieving process

The way you grieve and process that grief is known as the grieving process. It is the time where you deal with the pain that you feel. Most of the times when we are in the process we do not understand it. We feel too caught up with our own feelings and that is completely alright. But it is necessary that sooner or later, we understand what we are going through to get over that phase and continue with our lives.

 

---

 

Styles of grieving:

The way you grieve or the style of grieving has been brought down to two main styles, as follows:

Intuitive grief:

Intuitive grief can often be referred to as instinctive grief. Something which happens and it is based on your instincts. You feel sudden bursts of really strong emotions, it is so concentrated that you physically feel the pain that you are going through. You have very strong reactions to this pain. And everybody can see through it, it is like being an open book.

Instrumental grief:

Instrumental grief mainly consists of what you go through mentally. You often hide what you are going through to remain strong for the others who need you. You go through this entire grieving process cognitively. Whatever you feel is just something you know. In this type of grief, you often react to it physically.

 

---

 

Myths and facts about grief and grieving:

There are various myths about grieving which is completely untrue and it is important that we have an insight into these myths so that we do not end up misleading somebody.

1. It is said that if you ignore the pain, it will go away.

This is completely false. You need to learn to overcome the grief, the pain that you feel and it is important that you acknowledge it. If you ignore it, it may lead you to various mental illnesses such as post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.

2. It is important to cry to show that you are grieving.

Again, a very untrue myth. Even though, crying is a known response to sadness. It is not the only one.  Somebody who does not cry can be feeling the same amount of grief as the person but they just have other ways of displaying it.

3. You need to be strong for others.

Many times, when somebody we know goes through a traumatic event, we tell them to be strong or what will others think of them. This is wrong. Feeling frightened, or lost, or sad at a traumatic event is acceptable. You do not need to put out a brave front for anybody. In fact, letting out your feelings can help people understand your pain better and they can help you.

 

---

 

Difference between Depression and Grief:

Even though the concepts of grief and depression are often mixed together, they are not the same. Grief and depression are two different things and the way you deal with them are also different. Let us take a closer look at the differences:

Grief:

Grief is relatively a concept that consists of feelings you feel at a certain loss. With time and support, you start to feel better. And you start getting your life back together. You confide in your family and friends and feel good with their support. Your feelings may resurface on the birthdays or some event related to the person you lose. But on other days, it is not so bad.

Depression:

Depression on the other hand is different. The feelings of sadness do not go away. You completely isolate yourself and keep dwelling on your sadness. You let go of reality and the people around you. Depression is said to be more persuasive and persistent. It does not go with time. In grief, there are some days where you feel yourself overcoming it. But in depression, you feel quite the opposite. You feel like you are sinking down with no getting up. You feel hopeless and left out. It is important that you seek some support at a time like this.

 

---

 

Grief is the process of healing

Despite the fact that we see grief go in a very straightforward manner, it is not. It goes more in cycles. Many times when you are grieving, you feel like you are not making progress. That is wrong. Every day that you overcome a small portion of your grief is a step towards healing. You need to understand that overcoming grief is not a one day or one-time thing. It takes a lot of time and patience to overcome it. And this is all in the healing process of it.

 

---

 

Models of grief

Dual-process:

The dual-process model of grief is based on how a person keeps going ahead and keeps coming back to the cause of grief. It is like they keep going back and forth. In this model, the focus is on loss orientation which discusses the loss and the second one is the restoration orientation, which mainly focuses on how we can restore our lives to their usual self.

The five-stage process:

This process has been divided into five subparts which are considered to be necessary to overcome your grief. These parts are mainly being in denial, feeling anger, bargaining with yourself, feeling depression and in the end, accepting things for what they are. It is said that this process is based on identifying emotions and that we work towards the hopeful end which it carries.

The five stages of Grief:

In the aforementioned five-stage process, we talk about various stages a person goes through after facing a loss.

Denial:

It is the first stage of the five-stage process. In this stage, you feel completely overwhelmed with the events that just took place and you cannot bring yourself to accept things for the way they are. You are still in the hope for another alternative.

Anger:

After you understand that your loss has taken place and there is nothing you can do about it, you feel anger towards it. Questions like why did have to be me or what did I do to go through something like this arises in our head. We still have not grasped a hold of the situation properly.

Bargaining:

In this stage, we try our level best to come on terms with something. We now try to find ways on how can we turn the situation into Something else. Just because we do not want to deal with what is actually happening.

Depression:

Feeling depressed or extremely sad is an appropriate response to such an event. In this stage, you now understand your situation and gravity of it and you start feeling your loss too immensely. You feel their absence greatly and it leads you to be sad and isolated all the time.

Acceptance:

This last stage ends on a positive note. In this stage, you accept things for what they are and know that you cannot change them and you start moving forward with your life. You understand that what has happened, has happened but what could happen can change and you start feeling better day by day.

 

---

 

Symptoms of Grief

• There are many symptoms of Grief such as:
• Feelings of extreme sadness or depression
• Wanting to isolate yourself and be alone
• Having complications in concentrating
• Feelings of being misunderstood and frustration
• Feeling numb and wanting to run away from the problem

 

---

 

Grieving thoughts and behaviour

The loss of somebody you love can have a huge impact on you. It affects your behaviour drastically. It triggers a lot of responses emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. And even though it is more intense in the beginning, later in life some particular thing or event may still trigger these same responses. For example, hearing a song which reminds you of that person or visiting a place where you created your best memories with them can make you feel really sad and depressed.

 

---

 

Effects of grieving on a person

Going through a loss can leave a person depressed and lost. For the moment they have no hold on reality and they feel despair. Grief can have long term effects as well. Even when a person overcomes grief, they still may act differently because the entire process has changed them. It has changed their perspective on things and it will change the way that the person is going to continue with their life.

 

---

The process of recovering from grief

We all have our own way of dealing with our pain. It can be a long and thoughtful journey which can require hours of just feeling upset. It is really sad when we have to accept what has happened, that is why it is important that we confide in somebody. Somebody who we trust and who can just be there for us. It is important that we receive some sort of emotional support not just from other people, but it is important that we give it ourselves as well. As we grieve and we get over our losses, we must not lose our self and have a hold onto us.

 

---

 

How to take care of yourself while grieving

In the presented ideas below, you can have an idea of what to do. Feel motivated to change these items according to how you want to cope up with grief.

• Try talking to family and friends.
• Read books and poetry. It is really helpful and very distracting.
• Try going out more into social activities. Don’t isolate yourself.
• Try group support sessions. Joining a support group can help.
• Have good eating habits. Eating on time and eating healthy food is a must.
• Maintain a proper sleep schedule.
• Try being patient and calm with yourself and give space to yourself for grieving.

 

---

 

How to support somebody who is grieving

It gets pretty hard seeing somebody who you love go through grief. It is necessary that you help them without hesitation. Here are some ways:

• Do not feel fearful about what you might say which can have adverse effects on the person. It means a lot that you are there for them and they know it.
• It is also important that you let your loved ones know you can listen to them and you are there for them in whatever way they need.
• Understand that everybody had their own process of grieving and that they won’t be able to overcome it in a day. You need to give them their space and let them do it on their own.

 

---

 

When to seek professional help

It is important that you know when you need professional help when it comes to grief. Even after trying the sadness and the grief you feel does not go away, it is time that you visit a counsellor about it. They can help you with the process and you will eventually overcome it.

Towards the end, I would like to say that hold on. There is more to life than you see. Even if the person who you wanted to share it with are not there with you anymore, they are always watching over you. Never feel alone and it is always easier to share your pain with somebody. Do not feel that you are burdening somebody with what you feel. The people around you are there for you, and you are not a burden. As you go ahead in your life, you will not feel the loss as greatly as you did before. So whatever sadness you are feeling right now is not going to last forever and have hope in yourself that you can do this.