“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf. ” ~Jonatan Martensson~

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What is Infidelity?

Infidelity is the act of being unfaithful and disloyal to a spouse or partner with whom one shares a commitment of exclusivity, by having an intimate or sexual relationship with someone who’s not their partner.

 

The act of breaking a promise to the significant other can be caused due to several reasons.

• Inadequate Communication

Communication is a key element in all kinds of relationships. In romantic relationships, it holds even greater importance. Couples who openly share their thoughts with each other are likely to resort the conflicts and challenges in their relationships. The lack of communication on the other hand can lead to bottling up their feelings and misunderstandings and later sharing them with other people who gradually become more important than the partner.

• Dissatisfaction with sex life

In a romantic relationship, an understanding of sexual attributes and preferences of oneself and the partner’s goes a long way. There may be a disparity in terms of sex drive of two individuals in a relationship. If one of the partners has a higher sex drive than the other, they might not feel satisfied sexually and seek out other ways to fulfil their desires.

• Long-distance relationships

A lot of couples these days need to live apart from each other for work reasons, mainly. Partners living alone for a substantial amount of time may tend to feel lonely and to overcome such feelings of loneliness, they may indulge in several activities to keep themselves busy, and while doing so they might come in contact with other people and get involved with them in the absence of their partners.

• Social Networking sites

Social networking sites are filled with a sea of people seeking opportunities to make friends and more. Individuals who are highly active on such platforms may connect to anybody online and chat with them at their own ease. Some people get excited by talking to people from different parts of the world just for the sake of knowing them which later turns into attachments and affairs.

• Together for the wrong reasons

A wrong start to a relationship often may not yield the right results. Many couples get together for financial reasons or for their children even when there is no attachment amongst them. Such relationships are difficult to deal with and couples often struggle to maintain their commitment towards each other. The lack of love and connection in the relationship may push them to have an affair to content themselves, even if it’s temporary.

• Feeling Neglected

Individuals feel the need to be appreciated and acknowledged by their partners. Sometimes one of the partners may be too occupied by their work or their social life that they don’t value the presence of their significant other. In such cases, the neglected partner might try to seek attention through interaction with strangers at parties or even secretly dating, all to feel appreciated and desired.

 

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Types of infidelity

There are two main types of infidelity-

Physical infidelity:

In this kind of affair, one partner has sex with someone outside of his or her relationship. This is mostly sexual in nature and no emotional attachments are experienced.

Emotional infidelity:

In this case, the partner is emotionally attached to someone outside of his or her relationship. The partner may enjoy spending a lot of time with the other person and spend very little time with their partner. This is usually not sexual in nature, may become so in the later stages of the relation.

Apart from these two, there are some other kinds that comprise of both physical and emotional aspects-

Opportunistic infidelity:

This type of infidelity is generally situation-driven. When an opportunity occurs in front of one of the partners, they are unable to control their sexual desires and cave in to it. The guilt is often high in such cases as they are still attached to their partners.

Romantic infidelity:

There are two types of romantic infidelity-

Conflicted romantic infidelity– In this case of infidelity, one partner is in love with their spouse or partner as well as another person. This causes a great deal of distress among all three parties involved.

Non-Conflicted romantic infidelity– In this case of infidelity, the love and attachment experienced are more towards the other person compared to the current partner.

Commemorative infidelity

This occurs when one partner does not feel any affection or sexual desire toward their partner. They feel their current relationship does not provide them with what any physical or emotional satisfaction.

 

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Why Do Happy People Cheat?

Inadequate closeness with a partner

Couples who are not emotionally close to each other are likely to seek closeness outside of their relationship. They might find someone providing the attention that’s lacking in their relationship and get attracted towards it.

Adventurous personality

There are individuals who constantly look for excitement in their day-to-day lives. They may indulge in new activities and interact with various people. These individuals are likely to get attached to people with similar interests like theirs and may find it hard to commit to their monotonous relationship.

Avoiding conflict resolution

Couples might seem to have a perfect relationship and they may do so by avoiding discussions on any conflicts. They are likely to think that talking about differences will lead to arguments among them but over time, these conflicts can pile up and lead to a lot of distress. As a result, partners may want to talk to people where they can express themselves, even if it leads to disagreements.

Confiding excessively in other people

When one of the partners gets too close to someone by sharing their secrets and spending alone time either by choice or due to work reasons, they are likely to get attached to the other person.

Social surroundings

Oftentimes it has been seen that friends, work colleagues instigate an individual and make it seem like it’s normal to have an affair. In such social surroundings, one partner who usually was less likely to be unfaithful may do so in the influence of others

 

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Effects of Infidelity on the Uninvolved Partner

The uninvolved partner or the partner who has been cheated on has to face tremendous consequences mentally as well as emotionally. The partner may experience-

Anxiety

– Constant worry about the future of the relationship, the life of children involved, difficulty in concentration on work.

Depression

– Feelings of helplessness, worthlessness may prevail in the partner along with loss of sleep and appetite.

Loss of self-esteem

– Doubting one’s physical appearances, comparing one’s qualities to others and losing confidence.

Anger issues

– Agitation and rage at home or work on minor instances

Self-loathing

– Blaming oneself and finding faults in oneself

Substance abuse/Binge eating

– Using harmful coping mechanisms to avoid reality as much as possible.

 

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Research studies:

A study conducted on participants aged between 23 and 60, who were married with meaningful relationships showed clinical levels of anxiety and maladaptive attachment styles.

Another study aimed to identify the emotional reaction to infidelity. The participants rated that how likely was an emotion to occur in cases of sexual and emotional fidelity. It was found that main effect for sex was obtained on nine components, among which men scored high on the emotions of Homicidal/Suicidal and women had a higher score on the emotions of Undesirable/Insecure.

 

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Effect on Infidelity on the Involved Partner

The act of infidelity affects the partner, the children, the family and friends and it may be hard to believe but it also affects the partner that cheats. They also experience various challenges mentally and emotionally in a similar manner as their partner, some of them are-

Guilt

– The individual may feel extreme shameful of what they have done and may never be able to forgive themselves.

Loneliness

– In case they are abandoned by their partner for being unfaithful, feelings of loneliness may persist.

Self-harm

– Some individuals may blame themselves for ruining the family. They may go to the extent of harming oneself and punishing themselves for being disloyal to their partner.

Substance abuse

– People may also resort to excessive usage of drugs and alcohol to get past the painful situation that they are likely to find themselves in after cheating on their significant other.

 

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How to Survive Infidelity?

An infidelity is a major event in the course of a couple’s relationship. It has the potential to change the entire equation among the partners. After the event has occurred, both parties have to struggle to survive through it. It can be achieved through the following ways:

• Acceptance

The uninvolved partner has to accept the situation as well as accept all the feelings they are going through. They may feel betrayed, shocked, angry, confused, hurt. It is only human to do so. Even if they want to work on the relationship, they might not be able to instantly forgive their partner and giving some time will definitely help to build the trust again, but until then one is allowed to accept emotional roller-coaster they are on.

• Talk it out

Both partners need to openly discuss and clarify all their doubts. The partner involved should answer all questions honestly without hesitation in order to save the relationship. The couple must share all their secrets, stories and experiences to prevent recurrence of such instances again. They must genuinely commit to each other as partners and take decisions mutually.

• Avoiding blame game

After the infidelity, blaming the unfaithful partner or the other person or oneself does more harm than good. It is best to accept what has happened and plan about what can be done to make the situation better. Blaming oneself is a common mistake uninvolved partners often make but that will only make them feel more helpless and hinder then from taking the right decision.

• Avoiding the involvement of kids

All family members are connected to one another. It is natural that one event will affect all others. In such cases, kids should not be involved because this should remain only between the partners. The kids shouldn’t be put in a position to choose between their parents as this may affect them emotionally as well as in their overall development. They may blame themselves or feel anxious or may even be depressed.

• Seek Support

The couple should find support in terms of friends, family or even through professional counsellors, if needed. A third person can provide a broader perspective on the situation and help the couple mediate through the conflicts. A couple’s therapy can also be referred to as they can provide an impartial and neutral insight into the problems.

 

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Ways to Avoid Infidelity

• Making the relationship a priority by spending time with the partner, sharing the concerns, experiences and not letting the daily hustle come in the way.
• Having an exciting and satisfying sex life is an important aspect of a relationship. Partners can try to be open to experimenting and understanding the love language of one another.
• Avoiding destructive behaviours like blaming, complaining, criticizing or trying to be over-controlling.
• Appreciating each other for the little efforts and maintaining a positive relationship.
• Avoiding comparison with other friends or co-workers. It may lead to feelings of insecurity in the partner.
• External influences that hinder the success of a serious relationship to be avoided to a greater extent.
• Ignoring flirty comments or texts as it may turn into an affair in no time.
• Never stopping communication with the partner. There can be times when there’s an argument or when one partner is travelling outside for work but individuals must always make time for their partners.

 

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Studies on Prevalence and Gender differences

An American study conducted by Whisman and Snyder assessed the annual prevalence of infidelity among married women. The results showed that infidelity was much lesser on face-to-face interviews (1. 08%) as compared to computer-based self-interviews (6.13%).

A Chinese study by Zhang, Parish, Huang and Pan aimed to find the prevalence and gender differences on Sexual Infidelity in China. The study’s results show that in last twelve months, the prevalence of infidelity was 4.5% (women’s non-commercial sex), 11% (men’s non-commercial sex) and 5.5% (men’s commercial sex).

A study by Whisman, Gordon and Chetav examined predictors of Sexual Infidelity in a sample of married individuals. The annual prevalence of infidelity was found to be 2.3% in a population of 2291 married participants. The predictors of infidelity were found to be greater neuroticism and lower religiosity. The pregnancy of wives also increased the husband’s risk of infidelity.

A study by Brand, Markey, Mills and Hodges studied the sex differences in self-reported infidelity and its correlates. The study yielded that women reported being equally unfaithful or more unfaithful when compared to men. It was also found that men were more suspicious about their partners cheating and more likely to discover the infidelity of their partners. And women reported that after cheating, they were more likely to break-up their current relationships and begin new ones.

 

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Ten Facts about Infidelity

• Maximum couples survive infidelity rather than ending the relationship
• A lot of couples survive the affair crisis and come out of it with a higher level of commitment
• Women and men both are equally like to cheat.
• Infidelity can have positive, negative or no effect on the relationship.
• The likelihood of extra-marital affairs increases upon having children.
• Compared to affairs occurring in the later stages of marriage, affairs occurring in early marriages are more highly correlated with dissatisfaction.
• Individuals with narcissistic personalities are more prone to marital infidelity
• The likelihood of spousal battering and spousal homicide is significantly increased in case of any actual or suspected infidelity by a woman.
• Educational levels, gender lines, sexual orientations, socio-economic status, race and culture have no role to play in the infidelity of an individual.
• Studies show no influence between parental infidelity and the likelihood of the children engaging in acts of infidelity.

 

References

Brand, R. J., Markey, C. M., Mills, A., & Hodges, S. D. (2007). Sex differences in self-reported infidelity and its correlates.

DePompo, P., & Butsuhara, M. (2016). The “other” side of infidelity: The experience of the “other” partner, anxious love, and implications for practitioners.

Shackelford, T. K., LeBlanc, G. J., & Drass, E. (2000). Emotional reactions to infidelity. Cognition & Emotion.

Whisman, M. A., & Snyder, D. K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of family psychology.

Whisman, M. A., Gordon, K. C., & Chatav, Y. (2007). Predicting sexual infidelity in a population-based sample of married individuals. Journal of Family Psychology.

Zhang, N., Parish, W. L., Huang, Y., & Pan, S. (2012). Sexual infidelity in China: Prevalence and gender-specific correlates. Archives of Sexual Behavior.