Signs that you maybe dating a narcissist

Are you familiar with Regina George from Mean Girls, or Miranda Priestly from The Devil wears Prada? Both characters illustrate how they will manipulate, induce fear and intimidate others as much as they need to, in order to achieve their own goals. In other words, both are clear examples of movie characters with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of the many types of personality disorders where in the person has a very inflated sense of self-importance, with a strong need of admiration and attention. It is important to note that there is a major difference between self-love and narcissism. People with NPD love a very grandiose and unrealistic version of themselves; as a way to avoid any feelings of insecurity.

NPD includes a pattern of arrogant self- centred thinking, along with a lack of empathy for other people. Key traits include being cocky, selfish, manipulative and demanding. Narcissists tend to always blame other people, and are extremely sensitive even to the slightest criticisms. Thus, people who are a part of a narcissist’s life just tend to go along with the narcissist to avoid the rage and coldness.

Even with the knowledge of some of the traits and symptoms according to the DSM-5 criteria, it is not easy to spot someone with NPD, even more so if you are romantically involved with them. You cannot be sure unless a person is diagnosed with the disorder by a clinical expert. However, if you have an inkling of a doubt or are concerned about your health as well of your partner’s, listed below are few signs of NPD that you look out for:

• They were oh so charming and lovely…. at first

It was like a fairy tale in the beginning. They always called and texted you, and showered you with love and affection. They tell you that you are the only one for them, even though it hasn’t been long since you started seeing each other. But, after a while, as soon as you do something that upsets them- they turn on you; and this is without them telling you what you did wrong. And, this continues to persist.

• They hog the conversation and go on about how great they are

Narcissists feel the need to talk about themselves and their own accomplishments. That is mainly because of the need to feel like they are better and smarter than anyone else, and also to deal with their own insecurities. They may also exaggerate their talents and accomplishments as a way to get more adoration from others. In other words, when it comes to the relationship- they so busy talking about themselves that they disregard talking about you.

• They pick on you

At the beginning you may think that it is just light teasing, but then it gets really rude, mean and constant. This may include them calling you names, or making jokes that ae more hurtful than funny. The aim is to lower someone else’s self-esteem as a way to increase theirs. What’s more, reacting to all that they say could reinforce such behaviour because it makes them feel powerful enough to affect someone’s emotional state.

• They lack empathy

The lack of empathy is a key characteristic of a narcissist. They tend to lack the skills that will make you feel understood, validated and accepted because they cannot really grasp the meaning of feelings. In other words, do they give you a sense of comfort when you need it after returning from a bad day at work? Or are they bored when you talk about what makes you mad or sad? Research indicates that its this inability to empathize that leads to narcissists not having any stable relationships.

• You feel like if you speak your mind, you will jeopardize the relationship

As narcissists are generally interested only in themselves, they always put their needs first. This means that the conditions to keep the relationship afloat tend to increase the longer you date. “You might find yourself being more controlled and isolated from things that matter, and you tend to catch yourself second-guessing all the time- all of which show that you may be in a narcissistic relationship,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasala, a licensed clinical professional, in conversation with Insider. Moreover, if you bring up any sort of unfair treatment, they might just gaslight you. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation whereby you are forced to question your own beliefs and perceptions.

The above few signs are just few of the many; and you feel that your partner perhaps has NPD, consulting a psychologist as soon as possible is important. This is mainly for your sake, because being in a relationship with a narcissist can be really unhealthy and toxic; and hence, cutting ties is probably for the best. That is because essentially, for most narcissists- you will never be enough, since they are not enough for their own selves.

P.S. This article is should not be used for a diagnosis of your partner. It is more a guideline highlighting possible unacceptable behaviours and reactions if in relationship with a person with NPD. The main aim is to lead you to understand while you are not be responsible for your partner’s health and behaviour, you are responsible for your own.  

References

Lopez, C. (2020). 4 signs you’re dating a narcissist, and what to do about it. Insider. Retrieved from: https://www.insider.com/how-to-spot-if-youre-dating-a-narcissist-2020-7#:~:text=If%20you%20find%20yourself%20defending,these%20are%20all%20red%20flags.