10 Tips To Stay Safe In An Abusive Relationship

We have a tendency to overlook aspects of a partner’s behavior that may be less than ideal in certain circumstances. While it is true that most of the time, these behaviours are just a natural part of any developing relationship, sometimes these behaviours recur time and again and become unbearable to the extent that you feel wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious, or worthless any time you interact with them. That is when you know you’re in an abusive relationship.

Signs of an abusive relationship

Abusive relationships are marked by many attributes. Some of the more prominent characteristics of such relationships are:

• Humiliation or embarrassment at every step.
• Constant put-downs.
• Refusal to communicate.
• Extramarital affairs and provocative behavior with the opposite sex.
• Unpleasant tone of voice and sarcasm.
• Unreasonable jealousy.
• Threatening to leave over small issues.
• Extreme moodiness.
• Constant guilt trips.
• Withdrawal of affection.

There are, of course, many other signs that you are in an abusive relationship. For a more comprehensive coverage of the symptoms of an abusive relationship, click here.

However, all is not lost if you find yourself in a relationship that drains you and doesn’t allow you the happiness you deserve. In the next section, we will see some ways to effectively cope with abusive relationships, stay safe in them and eventually escape such relationships for your own physical and emotional health.

Tips for staying safe

In this section, we discuss 10 ways in which you can deal with an abusive partner and take care of yourself in an abusive relationship.

• Don’t engage with your abuser: Often the first instinct that the abused partner has is to reason with the abuser and try a rational line of communication. This almost never works since the abuser usually reacts with rage and any door to effective communication is closed. Thus, it is important to subvert the discussion and throw the abuser off-guard, like with humour or an unpredictable reply that the abuser does not expect. This ensures that you don’t feed the abuser’s rage and don’t reward them for their unreasonable behavior. Walking away from the discussion for the time being is also an effective way to deal with it.
• Don’t be quick to forgive the abuser’s behavior: This is because of the very same reason it is advised not to engage with the abuser in the first place. Abuse is not a one-off phenomenon and it repeats again and again since it is fed. The abuser is often quick to ask for forgiveness and since you love that person, you’re quick to forgive them as well. While it is true that the abuser’s apology is heartfelt and sincere at that moment, it is also true that quick forgiveness feeds the abuse and makes it much more likely to recur.
• Know your abuser’s red flags: Abusers often have particular triggers that set off the cycle of rage and the later, reconciliation and forgiveness. It is often the case that the abused partner doesn’t pay attention to these red flags and instead of avoiding those triggers, they inadvertently escalate the situation by triggering the abuse. Hence, it is important to know your abuser’s red flags and make the effort to recognize when that is triggered or has the possibility of being triggered.
• Don’t attempt to help the abuser: Of course you love the person. That will motivate you to try and help the abuser and make them see the flaws in their ways. However, it is important to realize that the abuser, no matter how extravagant their displays of love may be in the good times, does not love you and is primarily seeking control over your life and choices. The issues that lead them to try and control you are underlying deeply-rooted behavioural and psychological issues that have gone undiagnosed and untreated, and no matter how much you try to help them, it is very unlikely they will ever see the wrong they are doing. It is, thus, an exercise in futility to try and help them improve because any improvement they may show is only temporary and they are bound to revert back to the abusive and controlling behavior at the first opportunity.
• Be on the look-out for spy-cams and recording devices: Abusive partners may go to the extent of installing spy-cameras, GPS trackers or recording devices such as microphones or even baby monitors to keep tabs on their partners at all times. As an abused person, it is advised that you stay aware of the presence of such devices and seek alternate ways of dealing with them without triggering abuse.
• Identity safe areas of the house: For battered women living with an abusive partner, it is beneficial to recognize safe areas of the house where they can seek shelter in case of an episode of rage or outburst is triggered. Such areas may include closed spaces like closets or rooms, and may provide refuge for such women and their children from the abusive partner. Additionally, it is important to have a code word to communicate with children to warn them when the abuse is occurring or is about to occur.
• Seek social support: An abusive partner will often try to control you by isolating you from friends, family and other community members. At that time, it is important to seek and establish communication and support channels with people and organizations willing to help. This can mostly be done without the knowledge of the abuser or in the guise of communicating with people approved of by the abuser.
• Prepare an escape plan: In case you are living with your abuser, it is always better to have prepared a plan that allows you to leave at a moment’s notice and take along your children, if any, along with your valuable possessions. In this regard, it is always a good idea to have a second phone that your partner is unaware of, an escape route in mind, and a separate bank account and credit card with sufficient money in it to take care of you and your children while you’re away.
• Get legal help: If the abuse is repetitive and is straining your physical and mental resources, it is advisable to get a restraining order on your abuser. However, you may need to ensure than it is not just a citation, since a weak restraining order may make the abuser think that the police won’t do anything and that will encourage them to trouble you further.
• Leave your abuser: This last tip is technically not one that tells you how to stay safe in such a relationship, but to simply walk away from it. Walking away, however, is much harder than it sounds. For one, you love that person despite their behaviour. Secondly, they may have threatened you with physical violence, self-harm or even suicide if you ever try to leave. It is important to remember that the person, if they truly loved you, would not have to resort to such measures. It is their need for control and proprietorship over you that drive their behaviour. Hence, no matter how painful or life-shattering it may seem to walk away, it is absolutely essential that you do.

Help yourself first

It is often notoriously difficult to identify that you are in an abusive relationship. Most forms of abuse are not blatant or physical or outright derogatory. Additionally, humans are often blinded by their emotions and prefer to stay with abusive partners because it is comfortable and they have been here for years. They prefer the certainty of it over the discomfort of making a new life for themselves independently. However, in order to stay safe and end an abusive relationship with a person who refuses to see reason and is motivated by dominance and control over you, you have to first recognize that you are in one. That will be the first step on your journey to self-fulfillment.