Why people cheat?

Cheating can be understood as being emotionally or sexually unfaithful or infidel to the present partner. Wikipedia says, ‘infidelity is a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity’. Cheating includes actions like sending explicit texts, touching other people in a seductive way, flirting, being on date with other people that partners and hiding all of these from the partner. Cheating may carry out different implications for different people due the varied concepts of boundaries, sanctity and exclusivity. It often results in disharmony, conflict, emotional distance, long-term trauma, sense of unworthiness, legal complications and even, separation. There have been a lot of research aiming to understand what makes a person make such a move that is considered unethical and induces a lot of social embarrassment and personal turmoil. A lot of the time, the person who is cheating is seen in a back and white scale and is scrutinized. The researches show that there are a lot more factors to such a behavior, and not only sexual disinhibition or thrill. Cheating is often a pattern and is often associated with certain thought trails. It is a complex phenomenon and includes more that one single angle to it. Some studies say, men want to feel wanted and useful. They are less likely to cheat if the woman is dependent on them to a certain extent. On the other hand, they found that for men, sexual affairs are worse than emotional ones and for women, emotional infidelity is more upsetting than being sexually uninhibited. Monogamy is a concept deeply rooted in the need of procreation and maintaining the structure of a society. Instinctually, humans are more prone to polygamy or polyamory. Thus, the history and recent researches on this are pretty diverse and complex.

In an article by Lachlan Brown, he points at various types of cheating, such as, emotional cheating or affair of heart, where one of the partners is heavily invested into someone else than the partner and turns to them if they need any emotional support. Late night texting, flirting etc. might be considered expressions of such infidelity. He also talks about cyber affair, where people engage in online spaces to develop interest and engage in exchanges. Object affair is another sort of cheating where a person becomes more occupied with something else than the relationship. They might be preoccupied with a hobby or at times, pornographic contents. This leads to a kind of mental occupancy which creates frustration. Of course, physical affairs, that involve engaging in physical touches and sexual interests. Micro-cheating is an act of infidelity where one of the partners are not ready to commit to a relationship wholeheartedly, yet decide to stay in one. This might include online dating, casual flirting etc. Another kind that Brown talks about is financial infidelity, where partners hide their financial advances and burdens from the existing partner.

Joshua Klapow and many other psychotherapists reflects at certain attributes that may be seen in a person who cheats, such as:

• They do not want to engage into fights which may induce uncomfortable emotions in them. They thus find it easier to avoid the conflict, not talk about something that bothers them and choose to cheat because they are too scared to address the issues. Cheating is an easy way to escape for them. Falling out of love, not experiencing passion and excitement, not having the feeling of being understood and all those glitters may fade with time may make it harder for a person to stay loyal in a relationship. Divorce or separation, especially two people have babies together is not served well in terms of societal pressure. Thus, cheating seems easier.
• They might experience anger and frustration in the present relationship. They at time also might feel unattended and unloved. But they dread confrontation and as an act of defiance, act out to cheat. Partners who are not emotionally compatible, who are not around much, who are too strangled into their work or prioritizes materialistic pleasure over emotional connect, who can not negotiate and convey their true feelings to the other person often cheat out of the feeling of frustration, anger.
• People who are in grave despair and hopelessness may also wish to gain comfort from someone else than they are presently with. They might look at the person they are cheating with as a source of comfort and security when otherwise there is a turmoil, a sense of everything else being out their control. They also might seek variety or feel attracted to someone else outside defined relationships.
• Often people look for more than one relationship or engagement to save their present relationship. They are possibly respectful and have integrity in the relationship, but have other expectations from a partner which is not being fulfilled. They take resort to cheating to save their relationship and also save their own interest. Unfulfilled needs from a relationship may lead to bitterness, and certain people justify their choice of cheating in light to this.
• People often look for sexual gratification outside their marriages or promised relationships. They refer to it as merely an act out of biological needs while they forsake their love and emotional commitment for their spouse or partner. This may be out of monotony, or to explore more, to find sexual compatibility and thrill. Emotional infidelity might be difficult to identify, but usually includes being over the top emotionally invested into someone than the partner.
• Often, cheating is a passive-aggressive behavior to retort back at the partner they are possibly unhappy about. It is more with an agenda of teaching them a lesson or to even out the conflicts they have with their partners. Some who are not happy in relationships but are too afraid or passive to communicate about it, may cheat and consciously or sub-consciously hope to get caught so that it is over.
• People might have commitment issues because of childhood experiences, traumas and patter of attachment with parents, family and peers. Some people get tired of the power play that is an inevitable part of any relationship and might find them difficult or absurd to cope up with. Some people might not comply to the idea of monogamy and struggle in being exclusive to one person in the long run. Commitments may look different to different people. Being on different pages on what to expect from a relationship definitely increases the proneness to cheat.
• People who cheat may rationalize their actions and minimize them. This works as a process which convinces them that what they have done is a trivial issue and is not wrong on their behalf. They often overlook the associated emotions of the people involved with them.
• People who are narcissistic may carry out an act of cheating with a constant need for exaltation and manipulate the people by tricking them into guilt trips and feeling of inadequacy. On the other hand, people who are low on self-esteem, have higher needs of attention and validation may also take resort to cheating to experience the feeling of fulfillment.
• At times, people who cheat care deeply about their partners and thus hide their needs. In these cases, the act of engaging with other people does not come from a need of being promiscuous. They hide their advances because they are afraid to lose people they love. They experience a lot of guilt and indecisiveness and are more likely to engage in short term but repeated events of cheating. Their acts might stem of unmet needs, both emotionally and sexually.
• Having more chances to cheat may make fidelity more probable. The motivation to cheat depends greatly on situational constraints and the person’s coping capacities. Situational factors like stress, drinking, having emotional and physical touches at work place etc. might shove the drive to engage into behaviors otherwise considered infidel.

It is important to communicate and understand what is making it more probable for a person or their partner to cheat. If someone is being cheated on, they can initiate a conversation about what made the person cheat, if they want to continue with the relationship. It is also important to understand hoe the person feels about the event and if they can manage to forgive and move on with their partner. For a person who cheated, it is important that they identify their needs, if they wish to be in this present relationship, if they see themselves cheating again. It is also very important to commit to a therapy and work up the road of fidelity if they choose to stay in the same relationship.

To conclude, ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ may sound common, but is not the reality. Working through infidelity may strengthen and rejuvenate a rather dying relationship, given the partners decide to work through it. Honest communication and regard for each other’s needs walk a long way. Defining boundaries, trust and commitment for each other also helps. It is understanding the social concepts related to exclusive relationships, how it often puts more weightage on remaining monogamous than attending to one’s own needs and emotions.

References:

• Healthline.com
• www.bustle.com