The story I never told….

Have you ever felt that someone is not interested in what you are talking about? Like talking about something and just seeing the persons reaction and then suddenly stopping yourself because you feel as if they are not afraid?  Or maybe you might have felt that if I open my mouth in front of that new person, they would hate me? Well one lucky person you are if you don’t feel that because I am a person who wasn’t able to talk to people for a long time.

It started the year I moved. I remember showing up, first day of the new school, for some it may be exciting. For me it was dreadful. Now I was not a person who got scared very easily.  I had many friends back from where I came. I loved to talk. For some on the first day of the new school I was scared as to what would people think of me. Would I have a friend? Do I look good? Am I good enough to have friends? Well, to tell you the truth I was just in grade 3. Like around 9 years old.

The fear, the anxiety made me draw back. I was not able to make friends. Leave that I was not able to talk to people. I completed my 10th std last year, with only like 3 friends. I was scared to approach new people. I was always insecure of my body. Actually, I am a hypocrite. I hate my body while I go about preaching to other people how they should love themselves. Well, let’s just say everything dawned to me at once. About how I was alone. I wanted a friendship where you know everything about your friend. Where you know what must be going through their mind. I knew about my friends. But they never knew as what I was thinking. I didn’t have enough courage to tell them that while sleeping at night I sometimes want to cry because I think I let everyone around me down. If I see even a little gesture that would make me feel as if they are not interested, I would stop talking even if they are interested. This really made me unable to speak to anyone. My teachers didn’t know that a girl named Ekta existed in their class. No one class had any idea as to what I like, I did not know what they like. I was so scared 24/7. I was scared what is anyone thinking about me. I still am scared but trying my best as to not care what other people think. I will keep trying my best.

I tried my best in portraying my feelings here, I know it kind of looks like a diary but that is the only place I am comfortable in writing my feelings. So, sorry. Next time I would try to write it better. I am welcoming any and all types of criticism. It would only help me make my work better.

Thank you.