Shivanee Bhagwat
“I am very commitment phobic.” This is a phrase that a lot of millennials throw around very casually. I’m a psychology student and am very particular about the kind of language people use around me. If I feel like they are exaggerating something by using psychological terms to label it, I always make it a point to clarify with them and ask them what they really mean.
A few months back, someone threw the classic “I am very commitment phobic” statement at me. My immediate response was to say that I understood where they were coming from. However, I did make it a point to ask them if it was really phobia, or just a fear. I also explained to them briefly that there was a difference between a fear and a phobia. In spite of my explanation, the person insisted that it was a phobia. Even though I wasn’t completely convinced, I decided not to argue any further. However, when I probed a little further and observed keenly, I got my answers.
If you watch Bollywood movies, you have definitely seen characters who have commitment phobia. It is just that it isn’t openly labelled as commitment phobia. Be it Bunny from Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani or Arjun from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobaara, these are classic examples of people with commitment phobia.
So, what exactly is commitment phobia? Is it a genuine problem? Is it just an excuse? What is it?
Commitment phobia is basically a claustrophobic reaction to even the thought of entering a long-term relationship, job or basically being dedicated to or responsible for any small or big thing. People who suffer from commitment phobia, value their freedom a lot. They cannot even stand the idea of losing their freedom in any way, shape or form.
People with commitment Phobia are often misunderstood to be heartless and emotion-less. These people find it hard to maintain functional and intimate romantic relationships. You will notice that such people have a rocky history when it comes to relationships. They probably only had short-term, casual relationships or no relationships at all. These individuals have the same innate need for intimacy and connection that other human beings have and therefore they hardly ever face any issues while getting into a romantic relationship. These people are in fact very charming and can sail through the honeymoon phase of a relationship, like a breeze. They seem like the perfect partners for the first few months. Things start to change when the relationship starts to become more serious. As the other partner starts to get more involved and his/her expectations from the commitment phobic individual start to increase, the individual starts to withdraw from the relationship, both physically and emotionally.
The commitment phobic individual, who once seemed like the perfect partner, now starts to find excuses to not be able to show up in the relationship. The person who would go great lengths to please their partner, now starts claiming to be too busy to spend time with their significant other.
Emotional and Physical intimacy is what scares people with commitment phobia. Every time they sense that emotional or physical intimacy is expected of them, they tend to shut down and create distance between themselves and their partner in order to soothe their anxiety. Individuals with commitment phobia often report feeling ‘trapped’ or tied down in a relationship and tend to do as much as they can to avoid the label of a ‘boyfriend’ or girlfriend.
A relationship with a commitment phobic person can be quite taxing emotionally because often times, the partner of the commitment phobic is very confused by the mixed signals and hot and cold behavior that is being thrown at him/her.
People with commitment phobia tend to keep their relationships very superficial. They also tend to have very high expectations from their potential partners. In their head, they have an image of a “perfect partner”. As a defense mechanism, these individuals tend to find faults with their partners and find reasons why the relationship may not work. They might even get involved with partners who live far away or are already married. Such people have a constant fear of missing out. They are too scared to get involved with someone seriously because they constantly feel like they might miss an opportunity to meet someone who is perfect for them. They want to keep their options open for as long as they can.
Even if they do get into a relationship, they tend to avoid talking about the future too much or even making any long-term plans with their partners. They don’t really enjoy hugs, caressing and cuddling. Most of them look at sexual intercourse as a primary-drive need and engage in it very mechanically and pull away for a while, right after.
While commitment phobia manifests most commonly in romantic relationships, individuals who are commitment phobic also face a lot of difficulty sticking to one particular job or making a big investment or purchase in the form of a car or a house. They normally prefer to live on rent and shift jobs constantly, so that they don’t feel tied down.
Commitment phobia is likely to occur when an individual has had parents who were emotionally unavailable and rejecting. As a result of parental inconsistency, the individual finds it hard to trust others and assumes that everyone they get attached to is likely to leave eventually. They also tend to believe that something is wrong with them and that they cannot fulfill their partner’s expectations.
In conclusion, commitment phobia is as real as any other phobia and is a legitimate illness that can be treated.
Must say the topic you chose to write an article is unique and amazing. You have done a good job in putting the information in the right place in the article. Keep up the good work
Amazing content
This was Amazing
Thanks for Writing
Amazing concept and very informative content. Keep writing!
Very interesting topic and a unique take on it. Instead of generalizing your points, using psychologically proven theories and studies could further enhance your article. Elaboration on how to deal with a commitment phobic partner, employee or family member could stimulate further interest in the otherwise excellent article. The body of this article is very well written, strengthening the introduction and conclusion could reinforce your points much better. All in all a very well researched article.
Your article is wonderful and very well written – I like how you made a distinction between ‘commitment phobia’ and a fear of commitment at the start. One tiny issue I found with it was how people with commitment phobia were portrayed as someone who can’t stick to anything or anyone, made someone who has commitment phobia sound like a flaky, unreliable, untrustworthy person; it focused more on their actions and how it appeared to other people than their insecurities and personal issues, on a more deeper level. Though the latter was mentioned, the former was given a slightly bigger platform, but other than that I really liked this article :)))
Nicely scripted. A commonly used term and most misunderstood too. I liked how you elaborated various points with psychological reasoning. Good work! ✨
Very interesting topic
An amazing concept. I loved the way it is written. Try writing in points to make it even more fun to reading.
Your article was adequate enough to satisfy my curiosity on this topic. And the Bollywood references made it more relatable. Keep writing.
unique and amazing article:)
Well it was a great article. I would like to suggest that you could elaborate a little bit more about how the other person involved in a relationship with someone who has this type of phobia deal with the consequences or how it affects the relationship as a whole. Thank you.