Day through the mind of a PTSD-er!!

Day through the mind of a PTSD-er!!

Today again I saw that dream, I am again shivering and have sweaty palm when I am awake, and the first emotion I encounter within myself is again of guilt as always. I wake up and feel the guilt that why was I left behind? Why couldn’t I be gone that day instead of that person? That person had responsibilities to fulfill, humans had expectations from him, and many lives could have been saved just if he was alive today.

I have been making notes of various emotions within myself, my therapist asked me to note down the emotions I get throughout the day.

I get out of mattress with this stillness in my mind. I get ready to go to school where people probably think I am a blue bird and stay meters away from me. I am reminded of my uselessness again, nobody cares for me.

Sitting in car the shiver once again passes from me as I begin tying the seat belt , I m again remained how that person used to tie seat belt around me and telling me to be more careful of myself.

Tears begin swelling up but I have mastered the ability to hold it and not let it out. Some people think of me as an extremely rude person, who never has any emotion except anger. But only I know how much I used to feel, and how a big breaker has caused me to stop suddenly and hesitatingly.

Engine is heated and 2 songs down I reach my place of work where I absolutely despise being. With my head hung low I mind my steps there this kind lady wishes me a good day as always and I can’t help but leave a little smile there and reach to my seat , I hear people talking about new episode of some show and how handsome the villain is.

I manage the school somehow and 2 songs down I come back to home, the place which reminds me of my most precious loss, the deepest scars. I make note of my various emotions I have felt today, they are: guilt, loss, sad, fearful, tired and let down. Minding my existence of guilt and uselessness.

I again try out new methods of killing myself but like every day I get sweaty and drop the plan. I replay the voice of my therapist within myself and take a deep breath. He says “life is a tough and unpredictable climb and all of us including you are well equipped with enough gears to climb and swim across boundaries. Sometimes we all forget to use these tools but never shall any of us feel unequipped, you are capable way beyond your scars, you are greater than your life’s ups and downs!”

This feeling of uselessness, guilt, stillness and blame is not at any small scale this is a whole disorder and is known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is not normal or anywhere close to it. Let us all be kind beings, none of us can even imagine the battles others are battling. Please be kind, drop smiles at most places wherever you can, respect one another.

Thank you!

Smile it suits you the most!