How low self-esteem affects relationships

“Self-esteem refers to a person’s overall sense of worth or value. It can be considered as a sort of measure of how much a person values, approves of, appreciates, prizes or likes their own self (Adler & Stewart, 2004).”  

Human beings have a basic tendency of seeking approval. What does the other person thinks matter the most to us rather than what do we think. We often pull ourselves back just because we are not confident enough in doing things, even though we know we can make it just right.

Do you ever feel that you have created a boundary around yourself which might be stopping you from attempting things that you always wished to do? Have you ever come across a situation where you want to voice out your opinions but couldn’t because of the fear of being judged or simply because you think you aren’t good enough? If yes, then you might want to give yourself a wakeup call because you are suppressing your capabilities and devaluing yourself. And this is exactly how low self-confidence looks or feels like and it only worsens the condition by ruining your self-esteem.

You for sure ask yourself that “why are you like that” and no internet source can give you a definite answer. You will have to cast around within you to find the answer. It may be because you had or have any medical issue which probably sowed a feeling of being an inferior inside you or may be because people around you were always hypercritical. There could be incalculable possibilities that you now should accept and deal with, before it starts to affect other things around you like your relationship. If you think that your relationship will not be affected because of your low-self esteem then you are wrong, because it’s very much going to harm your bond.

Here are few things that bring out the negative in your relationship and you can easily notice on your own:

• Jealousy and Possessiveness

People often define love saying “It is when you can’t see your loved one with somebody else. You will want them all for yourself.” Sounds romantic, right?

Trust me, it’s not. It’s not the romance and love inside you speaking but your insecurities. When you have low self-esteem, every person will seem as a threat to you or a hindrance between you and the person you love. Your insecurities will create a space for doubts and trust issues. You’ll have a constant fear of being left behind alone because you think you’re not enough. So right at this moment, you better mark this statement that “jealousy and possessiveness is not romantic but toxic to any relationship”.

• Constant Reassurance

If jealousy and possessiveness is one pessimistic side of a relationship, then another is constant reassurance. What does it imply? You being always dubious of the bond you share with your partner. Actions or expressions don’t speak to you. You will always require continuous stated (verbal) promises to make you believe that they will stick to you their whole life.

• There’d Be No you

You feel highly disappointed of yourself, always dissatisfied in whatever or however you do. This negative feeling brings you to a conclusion that your partner is so much more than you and you just somehow got lucky to have them (which is not true). You start to have a sense of responsibility of recompensing it by keeping that person as your priority. Amidst of everything, you forget about yourself. You hardly value your opinions or sentiments in order to not disappoint them.

Low self-esteem fills you with negativity. If necessary steps aren’t taken, it will even alter your aura which will automatically give a sense of discomfort to people around you and to prevent that, you need to talk about it.

Communication is the key. And not only to other people but yourself too. Talk about your issues with yourself first. Without self-shaming or blaming, accept the flaws you have and then share them with your partner.

• Make yourself your first priority. There is no harm in loving somebody but before loving anybody else learn to love your own self. Your partner is equally flawed as you because perfection doesn’t exist. You can absolutely say ‘no’ when you want to. Relationship doesn’t work on agreements but mutual consideration.
• Work on your insecurities. It can be hard to forget the time where you had to encounter hypercriticism but make yourself strong enough to get past it and stop comparing yourself all the time. It’s absolutely no crime if you’re different, problem is when you think that it’s not in a good way. You can always make yourself shine in a way you want. Once you start to get rid of these insecurities, your relationship will not acquire any space for emotions like jealousy or possessiveness.
• Do not forget to give and take personal space. As we talked about the problem of constant reassurance previously, that often results into both occupying and giving up our private space. People tend to think that there is no such thing as this in a relationship which is utter nonsense, believe me. A healthy relationship demands to have a healthy proximity. The problem is that your deprecated self doesn’t allow the person to leave you.
• Constructive Criticism is what you need. It might hurt to hear that you are lacking or doing things wrong but whatever the case is, take it. Not every judgment makes you an unacceptable or unpleasant person. Sometimes, it is only for making us to utilize our potential to the full and simply do better. When you allow yourself to change for good, your relationship by default becomes good.

Self-esteem surely affects a relationship but foremost, it affects you entire life. A few minor instances can cause us to devaluate ourselves but it’s only a matter of taking one step ahead and make room for improvements. Low self-esteem can only be recouped by identifying your true persona and embrace the way it is.