What will people say?

2020 was miserable for All of us.

Pandemic and lockdown defined our lives. But, for me, the worst part was my board examinations.

Twelfth-grade board examinations decide your future and my future became uncertain.

Life was filled with stress and uncertainty. Like every Humanities student in our country, I also dreamt about getting admitted to one of the top colleges of the prestigious Delhi University.

I needed the DU tag on my degree Certificate. I had worked so hard for the past two years and now it was time for the results.

I was expecting a 99 or a 98 or at least a 95℅.

I felt this was what I deserved.

On 13th July, our results came out. All my hopes, dreams, and aspirations were shattered.

I got an 89.6 ℅  best of five and for Du, We need the best of Four, which in my case was 87.6℅.

I almost fainted. I didn’t know what just happened. I could sense the feeling of disappointment on my Mother’s face.

My brother was a school topper, and I couldn’t even make it to the top ten students. All my friends were on the scholar badge list and I was not. I missed it by 2 marks.

The students who used to sit in the backbench or bunk classes scored more than me. I felt like a loser. All my efforts were futile.

Maybe I should have Attended that party, maybe I should have attended my cousin’s wedding, maybe I should have stayed up late on new year’s eve, maybe I should have gone out for dinner on my Birthday.

I sacrificed all these days just for this one goal- DU and I couldn’t achieve it.

When you don’t work hard and you dont get the results, it’s understandable. You can simply say, ” if I would have worked hard, I would have surely got it”.

But, when you work all day and night, sacrificing your sleep and the things that you love to do, you are left with no Excuse.

I cried the whole day. When I went to bed, I prayed to God, that ” please God! Please let this be a dream”. But, it was not a dream, it was reality. The Harsh and bitter reality.

The first question that came to my mind was, will I get into a good college? What if I don’t get into a good college? What will people say? 

What will people say defined my existence?

I stopped picking Up calls and talking to people. Because I was not prepared to answer their questions. My mom made excuses like ” She is sleeping”, “she is in the washroom”, ” She is not at home” etc. I wanted to escape from all that. All my life I was a good student.

People started expecting from me. Ispreha will definitely perform well– sentences like these boost my confidence but that day These sentences were just killing me.

All I wanted to do was dug myself into my bed and go to sleep. But, the worst part was I couldn’t sleep.

Three years back when people told me that they cannot sleep at night due to anxiety, their palms become sweaty, the tension about their future haunts them, I used to just listen to them and not say anything. But in my mind, I used to feel, it’s all an act.

How is that even possible. But in that one month, I realized what does it feel when you are stressed, scared and all your Emotions just bottle Up.

You cannot breathe, your hands shake, you wish to scream and you just cannot help yourself come back to normal.

Every night I questioned myself- where did I go wrong? How did this happen? Why did this happen only with me? Should I stop dreaming? I used to ask my mother whether I will get a good college or not and should say, “of course you will”.

But her words were never convincing. I knew I would have to settle for less. Top colleges would never accept me.

A month later I got into Mount Carmel College, Bangalore. MCC is one of the top five colleges in Bangalore. I didn’t get what I wished for but I did get what I deserved.

Once the classes started, I was a little relieved. On 7th September We had a small quiz in our class and I won.

My teacher appreciated and my classmates also appreciated it. That was the day when I literally felt good after such a long time. Didn’t cry at night,  went to bed, and slept for a little longer than just three hours. It took me another month to get back to normal. I called my friends, congratulated them. Though it was late, I still did.

I was genuinely happy for their success.

This night seemed like a random young adult, ranting about their stupid little issues. I would have felt that too If I were the reader. 89.6 is not a bad percentage, In fact, it’s a great percentage.

But for a person who aimed for a 98, getting an 89 was definitely not good. At the end of the day, I got what I deserved. And I learned that my marks will never define me.

They are just numbers. Yes! They are important and they will be a part of my life forever but they are just a part.

There are so many things other than marks that need to be paid attention to and are important in life.

Today, I Am Confident enough to Share with the world that Yes! After scoring a 93℅ on my pre Boards, I scored an 89℅. Yes! After scoring 94℅ in my tenth grade I scored an 89℅.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE OR LOSER IF YOU DON’T ACHIEVE WHAT YOU DESIRED. YOU ARE JUST A LEARNER SO KEEP LEARNING!