Dilemma of standing up for yourself.

buddingpsychologists.org

“When we have this energy within the self, others tend to realize that respectful behavior is a necessity, not an option.”

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I have no idea how many of you would relate to this, but I definitely know even in the wild constellation there could be hopefully an amount of stardust to believe in.

How many times have you been told to stand up for yourself? By others, by your own mind? How many times had someone put you through such a situational event which led you to think about this? I would go with the guess of a thousand times. But what matters is how you responded to this question. Did you show ignorance towards it? Or did you for the first time feel guilty to say no but you did it anyways because the water had passed through the surface of your nose and you could no longer breathe?

It’s a dilemma of how easy it sounds. Even if I don’t include my own personal experience, it still is a big no. No, it’s not easy to decline the guiltiness which brags into your heart when you have to stand up for yourself and it includes hurting someone. Especially the kind hearted people who just can’t even try to think about themselves if the soul aim is their loved ones suffering agony cause of them. But how long are you going to let them have the authority to showcase you as a doormat, allowing others to step up on you.

“When did you first feel like standing up for yourself?” My therapist asked me on a summer day within the four walls which felt claustrophobic and smelt like old people. I may have fidgeted for a while before answering, because letting someone see me vulnerable felt wrong. “I– I always had this old school drama leading me to allow others to speak to me however they wanted, sometimes even when I wasn’t even wrong. Getting compared to others was a big deal I had been through since childhood. It wasn’t like one day I just woke up and felt like I had enough. The small gestures of my loved ones made me start thinking about this. Asking myself questions like, “Why am I allowing them to disrespect me even if I was not at fault?”

Her gaze wavered over my actions, my hands which drew circles over my dress, tracing the small flowers which somehow made my mind feel preoccupied to produce any anxiousness. “Did you take a step?” Her lips quivered upwards as I nodded, eyebrow arching in a question of how. “I spoke against them, their voices in my head which stopped my growth. Spoke against them even if it took me a while to adjust to their snarls and being called weak.”

“Do you think you’re weak?”

“No Jas, I am not weak.” Her eyes grew wider as if I had yelled at her in response with every word I said. There I felt it again, the guilt. “I am sorry, Jas. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

She only nodded towards me as if it was a daily thing for her subject to raise their voices at her. And even though if I took an initiative to ask her why she allowed it, I knew what she had answered. ‘Rashmi, not everyone has a voice to speak for themselves so when they are given a chance to do so, they scream as if their voices were choked for a long time.’ And I would have even agreed cause I knew I was one of them.

“I am not weak, cause I know I am doing the right thing for myself. Not others but myself.” Her hands which were scribbling over the familiar small notepad stopped as I continued, “It’s hard, darn it’s too difficult cause sometimes I feel lonely and it scares me. Jas, you know I like my own company but I ain’t an idiot to think humans don’t need each other, cause they do. And it scares me if by doing so, standing up for myself, I’ll only lose every one of loved ones.”

“Do they even love you enough to respect you for your choices and boundaries? Do they even love you if they can’t accept you the way you’re, Rashmi?”

“I guess they only love me cause I love them back. And the meaningless relations bound us to not let go of others, being reminded everyday that family is the only one you’ll have.” I replied. “We’ll change the definition of family for you later, Rashmi. I would like it if you elaborate more on the current topic.” She smiled, something she never usually did. Seeing Jas smile was like bathing in the sun after a long day of coldness. It eased my mind and emotions. And maybe that’s what she was trying to do.

“How did you feel when you first said no to something?”

“I may have physically first panicked because it was new to me. And everyone always tells you to take a step but no one talks about the consequences. Resulting in me not being ready for their response. Internally, I was definitely crying.” She let out a laugh at the latter of the sentence cause she knew I would never cry in front of someone. For being a motivator and telling others that crying is not a weakness I think I still unconsciously did believe it.

“So, if you had to tell someone to take a step, what would you tell them in terms of consequence?”

I snorted, she made me sound like a person who had upper hand in situations and mostly people. My narrowed eyes found hers, “Not everyone will like your bluntness or your kindness, sometimes even the fact that you’re doing something for yourself. You’ll not always meet someone who would be respectful enough to be okay with it or someone who would allow you to do so. They’ll bark, they’ll say words targeted at you to see if you break down. They’ll do it unconsciously and sometimes directly. But all that matters is if you still stand up for yourself and not for the sake of others. If you still believe in yourself than others. Cause as my beloved Einstein said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge.’ So if you, yourself don’t believe in it. I don’t think anyone else will too.”