Assertive Communication

Assertive Communication

Let’s imagine a situation, your roommate has not thrown out the trash even after multiple reminders and it’s bothering you. You go to her and say “I am tired of your laziness. You never throw out the trash and that is so unhygienic! I’m tired of your behaviour!” She lashes out back at you in return, you feel angrier and frustrated that she is not ready to listen to you, and the fact that you are not telling her to do something extra; it’s her duty to do so! All this interaction leaves you drained and in a bad mood. Was there any other way to solve this issue without silencing yourself and bearing the problem or throwing the trash out yourself? Certainly!

The word assert comes from the Latin word asserere which means to claim, or affirm. Assertive communication in its essence means to present your ideas and feelings in a way which is neither passive nor domineering, but clearly stating your wants and needs in a fashion which is understandable and more agreeable for the listener.

Assertiveness is means of communication where one expresses their views, what they are thinking and how that feel and opinions in a way that makes your views and needs clearly understood by other people, without demeaning or putting down their thoughts, feelings, or opinions. Being assertive requires one to be Honestly, Appropriately, Respectfully and Directly express their thoughts and feelings. It can be HARD to do, but it gets easier with practice. All parties in the communication process are considered equally important, and thus focuses on the interpersonal dynamic to ensure successful interaction.

How to communicate assertively? Here are some tips:

• Respect yourself: many times we subdue our needs and especially when we have low self-esteem or think less of our self. It is very important to know that you, your feelings and wants are valid and are not less important than others. So it is good to respect our self and not budge when we are unhappy or not let the other person put us down.
• Express your thoughts and feelings calmly: Be aware of what you are feeling and thinking, and express it calmly. Do not shout, shame the other person or try to compete by confronting them. It is alright to make your point but it is not the court of law or a debate. Also, the topic we mention needs to be well thought, as venting out everything can result in dissatisfactory communication.
• Plan what you are going to say: Select the topics and things you want to say. People tend to focus on smaller things and pay more attention to smaller chunks of information than large chunks of information. So instead of venting out the whole set of problems and issues, one can focus on the appropriate and situation oriented problems, and later work through other issues with time.
• Say no when you need to: Do not agree or commit to something you don’t agree to or it discomforts you. State your wants and needs, and if you do not feel comfortable to the propositions, say no. Work through and talk further to reach an agreeable conclusion, but respect yourself and say no when it is needed.
• Be aware of your body language: Have a confident body language, don’t show timidness or overbearing domination, but simple gestures such as not looking downwards, having a closed sitting style, facial expressions, the standing style, heavy breathing, eye rolling etc.
• Pay attention to how you speak: Assertive communication involves speaking at a steady tone, with calmness and moderating the volume. Do not speak on a very low or high volume, and try to be patient and calm when speaking. The pace plays an important role; a fast pace sounds like ranting and does not convey to the listener what is being said properly. A slow pace shows lack of confidence and gullibility. So speaking with a clear voice, at a moderate pace and volume is the key to assertive communication.
• Listening: Communication is not just speaking, but listening and interpreting too. They key to effective communication is listening to what others say in the same manner you would like to be heard.

Perks of assertive communication over aggressive or passive dialogue:

• Minimizes conflict: When you are communicating your needs and wants in a presentable and realistic manner that the other person also understands and together find a solution, it reduces conflicts and focusses on getting real results along with better understanding.
• Raises self-confidence and self-esteem: after stating out your needs and communicating in an assertive fashion, it makes you aware of yourself and raises confidence after interaction, as a bonus when you create an understanding with other people it helps you maintain better relationships too. After being heard out and people agreeing to you, it also raises our self-esteem and lets us know that it is not okay to let other people stepdown on you.
• Better mood and state of mind: after communicating things that are bothering you or are essential to you, and not just bottling them up in yourself, it creates a feeling of wellbeing, positivity and freshness in you. As per the Zeigarnik Effect, when people have pending or incomplete tasks, it pins down in their mind and memory. So having such thoughts constantly revolving in out head can cause anxiety and stress.
• Better negotiation and problem solving: assertive communication can be used anywhere. You can make good deals and profitable negotiations out of business deals, or you can even use this among your employees, mediating others’ discords etc.

So looking at the same situation as in the starting where your roommate is not throwing out the trash, instead of saying “I am tired of your laziness. You never throw out the trash and that is so unhygienic! I’m tired of your behaviour!” you can say, “Hey, I know you are busy too, but it bothers me when the trash is laying around as it is unhygienic. Maybe you can set an alarm for this in your phone?” Hopefully she throws it out or does the needful which solves the discomfort you’ve been facing without any fights or arguments.