Let’s Talk About Sex(-ual Self Esteem)

It’s difficult to talk about sex in a society which demonizes it, so it’s no surprise that the topic of sexual self esteem isn’t acknowledged, or rather, known, at all. When we talk about self esteem, we tend to cover all bases – except for the sexual one. What a lot of people don’t give much importance to, is sexual self esteem; how we feel about our body, how good we feel in our body is hugely impacted by how high or low our sexual self esteem is. In India, most people are sex negative, we treat the concept of masturbating as a joke or as something deserving of only anger and disgust; we teach our children to be uncomfortable in their bodies – we teach them not to touch certain parts, we teach them that those parts are dirty, we teach them how not to love their bodies, and instead treat it with shame and contempt. Children taught to be embarrassed in their bodies grow up to become adolescents and then adults who find it nearly impossible to stop and stare at their naked body, to even innocently touch their naked body, they grow up to become individuals who have been taught that sex is what you do with someone else, sexual self esteem is how comfortable you feel showing your sexual side to your spouse – because according to our society, one’s spouse is the only person one can have a sexual relationship with – when it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Children are taught not to be curious about what’s underneath their underwear, they’re taught that there are certain parts they’re not allowed to touch, not allowed to explore because that’s dirty; growing up to be adolescents, they further learn that masturbation is a thing that exists, a shameful thing that only depraved people do, they learn that nudity means sexual, and sexual means wrong, shameful and disgusting, and wrong, shameful and disgusting turns into feeling like a stranger in your body. Religion contributes heavily to this – many religious ideologies preach against masturbation and the pleasurable aspect of sex, which discourages people from exploring their body, thinking it’s a sin, thinking that it goes against their culture. Sex education in India, at most, covers reproduction, sexually transmitted illnesses/diseases and contraception – proper sex education, with emphasis on body positivity and acceptance; masturbation; how sex can be done for pleasure and not just procreation; safe, healthy and non toxic sexual activities; which is inclusive of LGBTQ+ people and intersex people will go a long way in helping individuals feel more comfortable in and with their bodies. The fat acceptance movement is also imperative, though there are multiple tangents we need to acknowledge while talking about how a fat person experiences sexual self esteem – fat people are considered non-sexual beings by society, even by most of the people who claim to be a part of the self love movement; when it comes to talking about sex or matters related to sex with regard to fat people, fetishising and infantilising are the only two topics available, which is why it’s important that we do neither : a fat person can be as much a sexual being as a non-fat person. Similarly so with disabled people. Fatphobia and ableism make it doubly hard for fat people and disabled people, respectively, to explore different parts of themselves, which is unfortunate since our society is already so restrictive. It would also be purposefully ignorant to not mention the gender differences when it comes to moral teachings about sex, masturbation and body image. Girls are taught from a very young age that their bodies are not theirs, that their body exists to be hidden from the male gaze and for the male gaze at the same time somehow, so the first step to sexual self esteem is reclamation of our body.

An individual’s sexual self esteem has nothing to do with sex or masturbation or even viewing themselves as a sexual being; asexual people need a sexual self esteem too. The choking feeling of guilt and insecurity a person experiences when they touch their crotch or their chest, their inability to stand in front of the mirror stark naked and admire themselves, explore their body, run their hands on their body in a non-sexual manner, not being able to explore or play with their crotch because people have taught them, conditioned them to believe that touching yourself and looking at yourself is dirty and vulgar, is narcissistic and vain, is sinful and uncultured, is shameful and dirty – none of which is nearly true – is what sexual self esteem refers to. It isn’t about masturbating or having sex, it is about firstly unlearning the misconception that nudity is inherently sexual, then gradually unlearning that there are things about your body, things on your body which are somehow dirty, and finally, eventually coming to love yourself and feeling at home within your body.

Much like physical self esteem, sexual self esteem also takes time to develop, it’s a gradual process – the learning and unlearning of how to love yourself, and feel like your body is a comfortable home which provides you warmth and comfort and not simply a house which you live in until you don’t anymore. It is not simply enough that we work on ourselves individually; flowers can’t grow in a barren land with no proper water or sunlight, flowers don’t stay alive without proper care even if they do manage to grow despite their environment, which is why we need to learn and unlearn things as a society, as a community. It is not possible to have a holistic positive body image without a positive sexual self esteem, not because we can’t have a positive body image without touching ourselves, but because we can’t claim to love our bodies while hating, shaming or ignoring parts of it. Our bodies aren’t inherently sexual, we aren’t sexual beings until and unless we want ourselves to be, nudity isn’t inherently sexual, touching ourselves isn’t inherently sexual; our body is nobody’s property but our own – we have the right to explore its basement and all its rooms, we have the right to close its doors, we have the right to open its doors for whomever we want to, we have the right to bring people around to see our house if we want to, build walls around it if we don’t want them to; there’s no guard who can, who have the right to, tell us what we can and cannot do in and with our own house.

The time has passed for us to end this stigma we hold not only towards sex, nudity and touching, but also against our bodies.