The Games People Play

The striking new outlook by, psychiatrist, Dr. Eric Berne on the transactional analysis (from of psychotherapy) is nothing less than a skeleton in the closet. Dr. Eric Berne published a cutting edge book – “The Games People Play” in 1964, that unfolded the dynamics of human relationships in a mind-boggling way.

I was first introduced to transactional analysis and Dr. Eric Berne’s theory of games by a very eminent clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Ashish Korday in Mumbai. “Games” enticed me at the very moment, it marked my first baby step towards exploring transactional analysis and psychotherapy.

“The Games People Play”,  was the best selling non-fiction book of the 1960s and spent over 100 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List. The “types of games”, specifically is a very interesting way of understanding oneself and others.

At times we tend to get sucked in by strong forces of “ifs” and “buts” in our life, it sucks on our blood like leeches in deep waters.

There have been times in my life too where my self-doubts pulled me in a vicious web with nowhere out to go. I bet you must have come across such scenarios as well. Certain situations force us to be a part of an endless dreadful cycle of sadness, guilt, and regret. At times we even end up purposely inflicting pain to dwell in the sadness.

If you look closely, our behavior is an intricate game, with many hidden motives and very specific goals. Surprisingly, for some the goal tends to be achieving “sadness”, “anguish”, “distress”, so they try their level best to kick the football in the appropriate “goal”. Feeling negative emotions is not the problem here, the problem arises when you tend to get cozy in your negative shell. Unknowingly, we build a “comfort bubble” around us and end up doing things that will only push us towards similar situations and choices that we don’t want. We end up playing certain games to create the same repetitive patterns in our life again and again.
We all play games at some point, the first time I realized that I was one of them is when I kept cribbing about certain personal things and issues, and when my mentor said,” okay, you are right, would you do as I say to solve your problem, for example, talk to the people you have the problem with ?”, and then at an instant, I replied,” Yes.. But I don’t know..”. Sometimes we ask for help not because we need help but to challenge others to try to stop us from feeling the way we are feeling.
We are never really helpless we just feel helpless.
One more common example of such games is, when an alcoholic person asks for our help, more often than not, it seems like they are acting as a rational help-seeking Adult. But the person is challenging us to try to stop them from drinking.

We all are players, some play good, some play bad.

Subsequently, Abraham Maslow believed that the impulse to recognize one’s potentialities is lacking in most of the population because many people are simply blind to their potentials. They tend to doubt and fear their abilities and hence cannot be the best version of themselves. This is also referred to as “JONAH COMPLEX”- fear of success that prevents a person from spring to greatness and self-fulfillment

WHAT DO I MEAN BY “GAMES”? 

Let’s not confuse the word “game”, with a fun-loving activity BECAUSE Every game people play is dishonest, and the outcome has a dramatic and distinct quality. These games specified by Eric Berne are more on the serious side may be more serious than cricket.
A GAME, technically, is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome- that is, people perform a series of unexpressed or underlying acts with others even when they know what the outcome (result) is going to be. For example, Something as common as ignoring what your mom is telling you even when you know that this “ignoring act” is going to get her angry at you, leading to a bigger argument. Somewhere down the line you did instigate her and got yourself in trouble. Happens all the time, doesn’t it?
So why do we do the things that are going to land us in trouble? Why do we get into romantic relationships which are meant to be doomed- just the way your best friend told you so? Why do we keep piling up all the assignments for the day just before submission? Why do we choose to stand in a long grocery line at 9 am even though we are late for the 9:15 am work? Well, I don’t have answers to this but Dr. Eric Berne surely does!

What is it if not a cleverly staged crime scene or a pure gimmick ?

Games are

1. Repetitive, that means people keep repeating them in their life again and again.
2. People play games beyond their conscious awareness, obviously!
3. Games Always end up with the players experiencing racket feeling- are those which we have learned to use to ‘cover-up’ the original feeling.
4. Games surely do include a moment of surprise and confusion.
5. People usually pick up these gaming strategies in their childhood to get what we want.
6. People play games to justify what is happening in their life.

VARIOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

LIFE GAMES

1. Kick me

People who play the “Kick Me” game are people who will try their best to provocative you to kick them and once you go ahead and kick them, obviously not in literal terms, they will turn around and say “but I asked you not to kick me!”
It’s a very shrewdly planned game, which always ends up in sadness and the player feels- “ poor me I always get kicked, rejected or hurt by others.”
People constantly dwell on this statement- “My misfortunes are better than yours,” and “Why does this always happen to me?”
On the unconscious level, a husband might emotionally and physically push away his wife by stop talking to him, coming home late, blaming her for his losses in professional life. The husband tries his level best to let loose of her and when the wife leaves the house or asks for a divorce, the husband will end up saying, “ why me? Why does this always happen to me?”

2.  Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch

Here the player puts on a cape of an FBI agent trying to note down every single of your fault or injustices you have done to them. But here is the catch! The player will not tell you this first to solve the injustice or the main issue but keep gathering enough proof of your injustices and complain about your ill acts to a third party, maybe parents, friends. And then like a real good plan trap you in a huge argument with the purpose being “now I have got you, you son of a bitch” rather than the goal being “let’s work on this and solve it!”

                   Misery Loves Company

3. See what you made me do

Have you ever blamed your parents because you got your act wrong? Like spilled something and blamed it on others for distracting you? Where in reality you were not focused and irritated.
We often hear our loved ones saying this in an argument- See what you made me do? If it wasn’t for you I would be more successful. If it wasn’t for you I would be living my dream life. It is a classical marital game. In this game, the player waits for the “intruder” to cause a slip, but unmistakably, it’s not the intruder but the player’s irritation that caused the mistake in the first place. The player is very happy when this occurs because it gives him a reason to blame the slip on the other person. Unfortunately, this game is easily grasped by children, and it’s passed on from generation to generation.
People play this game majorly to avoid responsibility and the fact that the player ends the game with an “I am blameless” outlook.

 

MARITAL GAMES 

1. Corner

Have you ever walked away from an argument? Have you ever given “space” to the person who started the argument? Have you ever tried to stop the argument with calmer replies?
This could be you using the game “corner”. Another classic marital game Where a person, let’s say, Rahul, leaves their partner, let’s say Aaisha, alone with wounded feelings rather than indulging in the argument and exaggerating it, hence not giving Aaisha the exact response she wanted. Rahul leaves the house, feeling cheerful and relieved, but is labeled as the “mistake”, while Aaisha is left feeling let down and exasperated alone.
There are two possible staged feelings in this game- on the one hand, Aaisha who started the argument, right before going to an event, has a clear understanding from past experiences that this particular topic will trigger Rahul and that she is not supposed to take Rahul’s annoyance seriously. Aaisha might very well know that this is not the right time to bring up the sensitive topic however she triggers in any way. As result, Rahul cancels going out for the event and leaves filled with disappointment and resentment, while she stays at home looking exploited, but with an underlying feeling of triumph. On the other hand, Rahul, clearly, knows from his past experience that he is not supposed to take her bad temper seriously. What she really wants is to be loved and understood; then they would go off happily together. But he refuses to her play, knowing that his refusal is dishonest: he knows she wants to be persuaded, but pretends he doesn’t.

Personally, marital games do seem to be gender prejudiced or gender stereotyping. I mean why can’t the man would want to be “honeyed out of the argument”? and why does the woman always tend to play the “exploited, clever” role? It must be applicable in the majority of the cases but again, doesn’t it seem to be on the edge of gender bias?

2. Courtroom

The ultimate game played across age groups. If you have a sibling you know this! Courtroom like the name suggests needs a plaintiff- the person who brings out the case, a defendant- the person accused by the plaintiff, a judge, of course, most like to be a mom or a dad in cases of siblings or at times its the whole jury- uncle, aunt, grandpa, grandma, neighbors’ children and the list going on (Just Indian Things! ). If you have ever gone ahead to your parents to complain about all the things your sibling is doing wrong with you, then you are the plaintiff here.
Likewise, even adults play this game, when the person says “this is what he/she did to me” or “the real facts are”, you know the game has begun. People seek to prove themselves right with facts which are only their interpretations. More importantly, people gather the wrongdoings and try to prove the defendant wrong in front of the judge/jury.

3. Frigid woman

The husband makes advances to his wife and is repulsed. After repeated attempts, he is told that all men are the same and in need of sex, he doesn’t really love her or doesn’t love her for herself, that all he is interested in is sex. He refrains for a while and eventually, he resigns himself and makes no further advances. As the weeks or months pass, the wife becomes increasingly informal and sometimes forgetful. She walks through the bedroom half dressed or forgets her clean towel when she takes a bath so that he has to bring it to her. she may become flirtatious with other men at parties after heavy drinking. So he responds to those provocations and tries again but he is repulsed.
Wait, should I hesitate to ask about the games played by men when they lack sexual desire or face problems with their sexual functioning? What do you think…will a frigid man play the same games as the frigid woman or will he be better at it?

4. Harried

This game is played by the harried housewife. A traditional housewife who is required to be excellent at all the chores and occupations such as Her mistress, mother, nurse, housemaid, cook, designer, more. Obviously, these roles are tiring and exhausting, and the fact that the roles are imposed on her gives rise in the course of years where she tends to take responsibility for a lot of things but systematically fails at the tasks. For example, taking responsibility to attend son’s football match and bake 100 cupcakes for other son’s bake sale as a result non are fulfilled properly leaving both the sons wondering – what’s wrong with her?.
This scenario is obviously a deduced one for simpler understanding but the concept is more complex than it seems.

5. If it weren’t for you

People get themselves into situations that will stop them from doing things they are frightened of and then blame it on the situation itself. A mother might give up on her dancing talent and become a housewife and then later when her children leave her for constructing their own life, she may claim that if it weren’t for you I would be a well-known dancer by now! While the truth remains that she is afraid of stage performances or facing the audience.
Likewise, a husband might blame his wife for where he is professionally saying “ if it weren’t for you, I would give up on the secured job and start my own risky business!”, but the truth remains that he is afraid of taking risks.
People hide their fears behind the blame game too often than not.

6. Sweetheart

Don’t judge on the name sweetheart, this is the most toxic game played very often. Most of the passionate and romantic relationships are exposed to this game. Women usually become victims of this powerful and demeaning game played by their better half. A partner (the player) makes a subtle belittling comment about their romantic partner like “She just cannot get things right in the kitchen!” and cleverly conceal it with “Isn’t that right, sweetheart?” The partner tends to agree with this ostensible statement.
This game tends to expose deficiencies of the better half and save them from the embarrassment of having exposed it by themselves. What A Player!

GOOD GAMES, TAKE TIME!

1. Happy to help

Those who tend to help others very often, with some underlying motives are the ones who are always “ happy to help”.
People may be helping to cover up their past sins or bad behavior, some people help to pay for their present bad behavior and some people help to exploit them in the future. Not all that happy!
However, we must give helpers the credits for their helping actions because it isn’t mandatory to cover up past, present, or future sins with helping gestures but still they chose to. Oh, Ho Happy World!

2. They’ll be glad they knew me 

”They’ll Be Glad They Knew Me,” the phrase itself is quite comprehensive of its boastful and pompous superiority. this phrase also works hand-in-hand with the “I’ll Show Them” phrase. Initially, when a person just wants to make others realize his effective work and justify others’ respect towards him/her, the game is not toxic. But the moment the person is more absorbed in the effects of his/her success on the lives of others, the game begins.

 

If You Are A Player, Be A Good One! 😉

How to deal with these life games?

Here are some pointers :

• Identify a troubling behavior or a part of the troubling behavior. Identifying the problem in your conscious awareness is the most realistic way to deal with it.
• Establish communication with the trouble part. Don’t label it negatively instead think of the troubling part in you as a child who needs nurturing, attention, and loads of love.
• Ask the troubling behavior “what is it that you want?”. A child never troubles his/her parents for no reason. There is always a reason and you will know.
• Ask the troubling behavior to let loose and come out in creative ways. Channelize your troubling behavior may be in an art form, exercise, yoga, therapy, and more.
• Your troubling behavior can evaluate your new choices in your life. The choices could be as simple as buying a new book or as huge as buying a new house. If your troubling behavior is “anger”, ask anger to evaluate the choices you have made.
• The troubling behavior will not always listen to you just like a child does. The safest way to deal with it is by consulting professional psychotherapists.
• In the end, always check in your justifiable ways whether your behavior has improved or not. A major question is “How will others know that you have changed?”

Thank you for your time, please feel free to write down your queries, suggestions, opinions on this topic in the comment section below. I will appreciate it!