Behind Edges

Behind Edges

             A cloudy afternoon that lies to the confused feeling of mine. What can be more of a dubious human? A heart full of secluded passion and suspicions for own’s abilities. The feeling that existed right after a doubt occupied the willingness to  progress. Wondering how long this doubt will hold the uniqueness someone has. Holding back the fire you supposed to burst out. Behind the edges is where my life lives, the place where my shadows exalt.

I once became one of the writings people can appreciate. I once one of those people I can say that exposed sides to the public. I once became the persona someone can notice even if there’s no sign of light. I once one of those people that can breathe strengths and hide weaknesses. When you know you can do things that can exceed the expectations of the eyes of the audience but you just feel so small that even you can’t see yourself good at it. And now, I am just a shadow that even in light people can’t see me. I am a part of writings in the wall people can’t even understand. An art no one can ever appreciate. And a suffocated flame in the midst of the burning society.

There are some life circumstances that makes us wonder why we drown ourselves this much. Keeping our breath crave for meaning on things that changed us to the versions of life we never expected to have. We encounter some turning points that hide what we can make people see as pride. It pains as way too much when the things we love to do turn into something we resist to improve. Maybe we can only reach this level of ourselves or we never let ourselves step higher? We have reasons, so many reasons why we prefer to choose the state we are now. Reasons that hinders us to possibilities. Sometimes, when life seemed so wonderful to us and lift us up to the seasons, we never know when will be the time that it might also make a further downfall.

As my life starts to take different directions, I realized that I slowly let myself hide behind the edges people won’t see. I started to prefer living behind high walls and celebrate the success of everyone I know in silence. I never expected that I will let myself lie in the silent making my shadows go with darkness. I am not into this shape but when people see changes in you and tell you thousand times, can somehow make you think twice about yourself. It hurts sometimes that we try to hold ourselves while it slowly let go from us. It’s so hard to witness that our passions are trying to leave us breaking.

Remembering the times where myself was living in my own city, calmly sitting, challenging its own capabilities appears to be astonishing but I know that as of the moment that city was gone breaking my heart several times. Sometimes, our own knife kills us leaving us empty handed. Maybe laying in tears thinking how you lost your living confidence and prefer to be behind the edges is one of the most painful event someone can have. It’s like you have the invisible walls that never lets you see what you can be once you show off yourself and escape that edges.

Been so lost in my own path as I view my passion feels so small over my head. Falling hard to the unpromising thought that I can never be better in anything. Its like I am running and looking for the lost I try to retrieve. I am behind these edges where I cried and where my heart bleeds knowing that I can be someone way far from this low esteemed human. I’m taking down knowing it will break me.

When moments come that makes your mind rush into some thoughts that still lies into the unknown can harm you without any warning. I can say that the hardest battle we can have is the war between our own self. The strongest enemy we can face is the self we currently possess. And the weapons that can hurt us most is our own thoughts, feelings and even realizations that supposed to enlighten us. As what I have notice, discouragement is not as strong as anything when it can be heal by motivations and encouragements from people who believes in you not until these positive words from them has nothing to do on how you can build yourself up, gain courage to go on and let the world see you grow into something you love. Discouragements has strong impacts now. Severely feeling so low may not be cured by other people’s enlightening words but can possibly healed by building higher fence of self-confidence in your own reliance, will make a difference somehow.

Wishing that someday, I can pull myself out behind these edges and clap for my success. I hope one day, I can see myself standing in the crowd with no doubts. I know that being in the dim of this dark place will mean something in the future times. I can’t wait to see myself confidently showing off what I can do with my passion. I just need to complete and compose myself, fill it with positivity and rise from this own downfall. Things that can cause us difficulties will be a joy someday. Reminding you that there will always a lighthouse in the end of the edges, waiting for you to step down and will make you shine. Never too early, never too late, but in perfect time, you will let go of that dark holds and shine at your brightest!