Relationships & Conflict Resolution

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.”

–Franklin D. Roosevelt

Humanist psychologist Abraham Maslow in his Needs Hierarchy Theory outlined five levels of needs, and placed the need for human belonging as a more basic need than even self-esteem, above only biological and safety needs. Regardless of personality, therefore, human relationships are a fundamental building block of the complex society that we live in, and are indispensable to the human condition.

How Do Relationships Develop?

There is no one simple answer to how relationships start and the course they take over time. Depending on the type of relationship (familial, filial, friendship, professional, romantic or sexual), a relationship may develop in several different ways. Two theories, however, are at the forefront of how relationships grow between individuals.

• Social Exchange Theory: According to this theory developed by sociologist George Homans, individuals perform cost-benefit analyses in relationships to ascertain the relative merits and demerits of associating with particular persons. If the benefits outweigh the costs, the relationship is continued, while relationships in which the costs outweigh the benefits, are abandoned. Three additional factors play a role in such analysis:
  1. The individual’s previous experiences with similar relationships determine the standard to which they hold the new person.
  2. The availability of potential alternatives with whom a similar relationship can be established also play a crucial role.
  3. The length of time for which the two persons have known each other is important because the cost-benefit balance may be ignored in the initial phase of the relationship.
• Uncertainty Resolution Theory: Charles Berger and Richard Calabrese theorized that any relationship starts with a lot of uncertainty and the course of a relationship is marked by the progressive decrease of such uncertainty. This is, thus, a stage model of relationship development, progressing through effective interpersonal communication, as follows:
  1. The Entry Stage: At this stage, the individuals entering into the relationship seek basic information (age, occupation, etc.) and adhere to formal norms of interpersonal behavior.
  2. The Personal Stage: At this stage, information of a much more personal nature (attitudes, beliefs, value systems, etc.) are shared and the relationship deepens beyond mere knowledge of each other as acquaintances.
  3. The Exit Stage: Depending on whether the interpersonal communication is effective in setting up the relationship for success or not, it is either taken further or terminated.

Thus, reciprocity and the motivation to reduce uncertainty play a big role in establishing relationships, according to this theory.

Why Do We Fight? Conflict and Its Causes

Conflict is a necessary evil when it comes to human relationships. It is an inevitable outcome of any meaningful, intimate connection. It may involve a one-off argument regarding any aspect of life, be it family, social relationships, responsibilities, work, priorities, children or money, among many others. Conflict may, however, be of an enduring character too, being composed of several disagreements or arguments over a considerable span of time. No matter which kind of conflict is prevalent in a relationship, it is inherently stressful.

Couples’ therapist Stan Tatkin in his brilliant TED Talk “Relationships Are Hard. But Why?”, talks about a fundamental reason why conflict occurs in relationships after the so-called honeymoon phase is over. He stresses on the two systems of the brain involved in processing social information regarding the other person, namely, the neocortical areas of the brain associated with thinking and deliberate decision-making, which he calls the ambassadors, and the subcortical regions that are instinctive and automated, which he calls the primitives.

In his talk, Tatkin outlines the fact that at the beginning of any relationship, the nervous systems of both individuals are deliberating and getting to know each other through the ambassadors. The process at this stage is effortful, energy-exhausting and involves a rush of several hormones and neurotransmitters such as dopamine, which give the individuals a literal “high through nature’s drugs”, as Tatkin puts it. Over time, however, the other person, along with their nervous system, is automated and the task of communication is relegated to the primitives, which are energy-efficient and prone to making several perceptual errors. Here is where the conflict begins.

Since the primitives are so error-prone, both persons’ nervous systems misfire during communication and lead to unpleasantness where their rationally shouldn’t be any. Tatkin proposes that a large part of this issue arises due to ineffective communication, chiefly the lack of direct eye-contact and face-to-face communication. He also mentions that glancing is threat-trigger that is best avoided in conflict. Asynchronous forms of communication such as e-mail or texting, and even telephonic conversations (due to the lack of visual cues) are disastrously bad for managing conflict. Unfortunately, these are the prevalent forms of communication in the modern world, and that leads to further issues.

How Can We Manage Conflict?

Managing conflict takes time, understanding and effort, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution to it. There are, however, two broad categories of conflict resolution techniques and several sub-techniques that we can use:

• Maladaptive Techniques: These techniques are mostly geared at providing band-aids over the emotional wounds that may be caused by conflict. Such techniques include:
  1. Competition: This is the general scenario where both individuals compete to prove themselves right and the other wrong, thus moving towards a win-lose situation in one person feels triumphant and the other feels defeated.
  2. Denial or Avoidance: This is the case where one or both persons deny the existence of any conflict and pretend that everything is peachy.
  3. Surface–level Accord: In this case, the individuals agree to maintain a superficially harmonious relationship, even though an underlying conflict is present and has not been resolved.
  4. Compromise: This is one of the most common scenarios in many long-term relationships and involves finding a middle ground, whereby both individuals concede something important for the sake of the relationship. The reason why it is maladaptive is because the giving up of something of importance almost always leads to latent feelings of resentment towards the other person, which may later come to the fore.
• Adaptive Technique (Collaboration): Collaboration is one of the primary adaptive techniques of conflict resolution whereby both individuals communicate effectively to achieve a condition that is favourable to them both. Thus, a win-win situation is created. Collaboration requires planning, rational thinking, understanding of the other person’s needs and clear, effortful communication.

New Patterns of Human Relationships

With the emergence of the internet and the globalization of the human mindscape, relationships are no longer restricted by geography. Individuals meeting and developing relationships with people from other geographical locations have become increasingly common over the years, and it is likely to become more common over the next few decades. The question then arises as to how to make communication more effective in such relationships, where physical presence is all but absent, or at most, occasional. Personal experience with such a relationship shows that the answer can be found once again in Tatkin’s talk about avoiding asynchronous forms of communications during conflict as well as in the method of collaboration that leads to wholesome conflict resolution.

All in all, it can be said that we are living in an exciting age where human relationships and technology interact to open up new vistas for us to explore. The liberal intermixing of our post-modern technology with our stone-age minds result in possibilities that are at once a blessing and a forewarning for lessons in relationships we are yet to learn.